If You Hate Getting Compliments, Here's Why
If receiving compliments from friends, family, or co-workers makes you bristle or feel distressed, you may find consolation in the fact that you're not the only one. According to research conducted by AcknowledgementWorks founder Christopher Littlefield, approximately 70% of individuals associate recognition with embarrassment or discomfort. This recognition could look like praise from your boss or co-worker after a particularly stressful presentation, or perhaps you received a well-meaning compliment from a kind stranger hoping to make your day. Regardless, responding with a quick "thank you" despite internally cringing and immediately dismissing the compliment is, in fact, a common reaction.
"People have trouble accepting compliments for a number of reasons. Sometimes, it's tied to social anxiety. It can also be caused by feelings of low self-esteem, or by going through life without experiencing positive feelings of gratitude," New York-based social worker Lisa Schuman tells Reader's Digest. That said, going about your life with the inability to accept compliments doesn't serve you or your self-confidence in the least. As such, before you address this poor habit, it would help to understand the underlying reason behind why you can't take a compliment.
Struggling with self-esteem
One of the go-to explanations for why an individual struggles to accept compliments involves self-esteem, which is a term that describes a person's self-worth and value. This encompasses the level of confidence you have in your abilities, identity, and competence. Therefore, people with low self-esteem struggle with self-doubt, confidence, and fear of failure. As a result, these individuals may not find it easy to accept compliments from others due to their inability to process not only negative feedback but also positive feedback, per a 2018 study published in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience. For these individuals, even a true and sincere compliment from a friend or loved one may not land as intended. Those with low self-esteem find it challenging to digest positive feedback, as it doesn't align with their internal belief system and negative self-perception.
Conversely, some people with high self-esteem might also struggle to receive compliments. Although having high self-esteem leads to many mental health benefits, it's possible to display excessive levels of self-esteem — otherwise known as narcissism — which can affect the way you perceive praise. For instance, this type of individual may see compliments as a form of "coddling," causing positive feedback to feel condescending rather than uplifting (via Psychology Today). This individual would bristle in the face of compliments, even if they agree. As such, there's a precarious balance between healthy and unproductive or poor levels of self-esteem, which can affect how you respond to compliments.
Other reasons for hating compliments
That said, not everyone who dislikes compliments exhibits self-esteem imbalances. If you experience social anxiety, you likely already struggle to navigate social interactions, and responding to compliments on the spot can throw you off guard. Additionally, a 2019 study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that those with social anxiety disorder are less likely to remember praise and compliments objectively, instead recalling them as less positive than they actually were. Moreover, compliments are not necessarily universal in all cultures. They may hold different meanings depending on the individual or environment. What may be intended as a compliment may come across as insensitive due to cultural contexts. If experienced often enough, these misunderstandings may cause an aversion to compliments.
Similarly, you may experience a psychological phenomenon called confirmation bias, or the tendency to accept information that confirms your beliefs while ignoring information that challenges them. In tandem with cognitive dissonance, which occurs when you struggle to process two contradictory beliefs simultaneously, the attempt to integrate new positive feedback can feel distressing.
Lastly, compliments may make you uncomfortable because you may feel that they may ultimately set you up for failure. "People may divert praise as a way of protecting from future failure, disappointment, or rejection from others," associate professor of social development at the University of Waterloo Denise Marigold told the Harvard Business Review. "The fear is that if I allow myself to let in a compliment, and feel good about it, and end up disappointing others or myself in the future, I risk taking a bigger bite out of my self-esteem."